rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
