hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
smell my finger.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
