Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
