Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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