Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
