i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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