My hand turned me down
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Randomize
