is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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