apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Randomize
