My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
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I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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