Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
