do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
