its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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