I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
