so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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