my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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