Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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