Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
