I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
