I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
