i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
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IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
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Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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