dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
