I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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