Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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