I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
