Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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