I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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