At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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