He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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