This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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