Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
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After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
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Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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