Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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