I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
