If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
