life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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