Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
