apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
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My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
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I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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