3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
worst night to have a conscience
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Sorry my hands just texted you
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
