he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
