Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
