I have demons in me.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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