Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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