My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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