What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
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the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
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I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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