I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
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He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
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I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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