I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My penis needs a shock collar
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I don't want my vagina anymore.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
