the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
