i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
