dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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