I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
