i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
