this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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