When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
