If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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