Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
