i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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