She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
