i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
