If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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